Fowler's Musings

He's as mad as a badger's hair do!

You want entertainment... how's about this? It's not normal to send this sort of thing, is it?

12 May 2004

I was sat at my desk, mulling thru the many calls that I have open and yet to chase. I had my pen in left hand, ... I started to scratch various parts of my face with it... Hmmmmm... It felt nice, cold and soothing. Un-beknown to me, the frikkin lid was off!!! My face, well... I had a shave lastnight so my skin is smooth...

But now it looks like an 8-year old's attempt to draw a beard on himself using black biro! The real f!!cker is... It's not coming off - maybe I should be using soap instead of spit and an old MaccyD's serviette that I found in my man-bag. Management are giving me weird looks too.

1st May

That reminds me... I know what I can do on my next day of boredom... I can visit casualty again, just like I used to when I was 10. Maybe weekdays will be better... I'm sure there would be far more industrial type accidents. As opposed to the Saturdays where people would hurt themselves gardening, cycling... you know, more recreational pastimes. Saturdays have never really been the same.

I'll always remember it... I'd wake up at 6am, drag my duvet downstairs and put the telly on and sit there in just my pants watching cartoons and eating cereal... quite weirdly without milk, yet I'd still have the bowl and spoon. Then mum would get up and ship me off to the ward for the afternoon. At least this time round, I can get to make my own packed lunch to take with me. I hated my mum's sarnies... she used tin foil instead of cling film (like all the other kids had), it made me such an outcast. Damn you shiny paper stuff!

Hmmm... look what's happend. Maybe its my bedtime.

Goodnight all

The First One

Today, I raped my tongue. I decided to mix Pepsi with coffee.

Now, I've tasted some awful crap. I grew up on a quiet estate, and my parents let me wander around like a fucking dimwit putting everything in my mouth. Sticks, rocks, old ground-in bubble gum, dog food...I even fell in a cowpat once. I was lucky that I was young, because I don't remember much of it.

Another awful moment in tasting history happened on one faithful day at junior school. We were coming home from a Lake District stint, and it just started. We mixed everything we could find into a bucket and dared each other to drink it. There was some nasty sh1t in there. No one p1ssed in it, but I'm sure if we could've we would've. There was tea, wotsits, chips, custard creams, popcorn, 7-up, chocolate, and half a jam sandwich. We shoved it all into the bottle, shook the hell out of it, and each took a mouthful. None of us swallowed. The only word I can use to describe this taste was 'Brown.' If brown had a taste, that would be it.

Another time, my brother and I decided to make the 'Ultimate' drink. We mixed everything in my fridge into a bottle. Milk, juice, Ribena, barbecue sauce, ketchup...it was all good until we added the soy sauce. The milk started to curdle to the top, and the soy sauce turned the mixture this weird auburn colour. We poured out two shots, and downed them. My bother and I never speak of that day and what happened afterwards.

But today, sheer boredom and stupidity combined to create one of the most awful mixtures in the history of man (well, this man anyhow). This was even worse than the pizza from Whitley Street that smelt like someone vomited up Caesar salad.

I had a luke warm cup of coffee, well a latte to be precise, from my trip to the canteen this morning. Anyhow, I went down to the soft drink dispenser and got a Pepsi. When I returned, the coffee was taunting me. Mix us together! He beckoned. We're both caffeine based, it will be goooooood...

Hmm, well how can I resist that? I poured my Pepsi into my coffee cup, swirled it around, then took a good, hard, swig.

Christ on a bike, I think I saw straight down to the depths of hell where my granddad was laughing at me for being such an idiot. I had no other option but to spit it into the bin next to me... and that stinkin' crap is going to be sat there until the cleaners empty it this evening! I then drank an entire bottle of water trying to get the taste out. My mouth felt slimy and the water did f-all. I threw my coffee cup in the bin too, cursing it to its death. I wasnt sure if anyone saw... but the French chap in networking has been giving me strange looks all afternoon.

What have I learnt from this? Don't mix things at work. Only do it when you're drunk, when vomiting is eminent anyway.

Mark Fowler